Hadeel Al-Khudair’s Blog

     “I’ve always wanted to be able to tell stories, you know, stories that came from my soul. I’d like to sit by a fire and tell people stories—make them see pictures, make them cry and laugh, take them anywhere emotionally with something as deceptively simple as words.”

     Beautifully written and brilliantly expressed. Honestly, I never knew why I loved the art of writing until I read this astounding excerpt. It simply shows you the essence of writing and what it’s really about (in virtually three lines).

     What is even more of a thrill is not only these candid sincere words but the person behind them. Someone I never thought bore so much within him; someone people never gave a chance to understand nor appreciate. Someone I’ve learned so much about (and so much from) in the past three months. He holds the most infamous name on earth: Michael Jackson.

     Yes, this is an extract from his 1988 book, Moonwalk. It’s funny how most of us never took the man seriously; and it’s even funnier how people tend to set judgments aside and become more compassionate only when death strikes. Perhaps an apt word would be: sad. It really is sad and quite shameful (even to myself).

     To be quite frank, I was never an MJ fan; nonetheless, his death did hit a few chords with me. When I first heard the news, I was somehow saddened, and I had no clue why. Perhaps death is a wake-up call for everyone: a sign to let go of our firm grip on life- desperately seeking perfection in nearly every aspect of our lives.

     In some way, that sadness increased and intensified as I watched more coverage of him and the circumstances leading to his passing. But when July 7th came along, it all became a different story.

     On that day, a memorial service was held for Jackson in the Los Angeles Staples Center (where he was practicing for his upcoming tour merely a week before). I watched as many people who knew him, came up to the stand and praised his soul. Up until that moment, I wasn’t raising any eyebrows: the man was gone and people were affably remembering him.

     They spoke of his donations; that Jackson “made the Guinness book of world records for most charities supported by a pop star”. At that point, I was somehow surprised, for hardly was there any stress on the fact that he was a devout humanitarian.

     Moreover, they mentioned those whom Jackson had left an impact on. Not only were they  artists of this generation but youngsters who suffered fatal diseases. They did not need so much of the financial support as much as it was that emotional boost they lacked. He befriended them and opened the gates of his Neverland to them.

     David Rothenburg was a 7-year-old boy who was severely burnt by his father- in an act of revenge against his former wife. Jackson heard of his trauma and phoned David. He provided his companionship and invited the boy several times to his ranch. Furthermore, Jackson’s “Heal the World Foundation” was all about bringing a group of underprivileged children to Neverland- where everything from rides to candies was offered.

     By now, I couldn’t help the questions that were pressing so hard against my mind: Did we ever hear about all of these kind humane gestures? And if we did, weren’t they painted in such a dire awful picture? That he was attracting those children to his dreamlike land to later molest them? Some people don’t specifically believe that but they assume: where there is smoke (the trials once held against him), there is definitely fire.

     At that moment, I began to recall my own opinion when I first heard the allegations once leveled against Jackson: I never believed he was a pedophile, but I do admit that I sensed there was something off about him. To me, Jackson seemed quite a troubled soul- having some deeply psychological issues. That is precisely why I hardly followed his news and the reason he wasn’t one of those figures who intrigued me. I assume many people felt that way too; they were simply neutral.

     However, on that memorial day, a small heartfelt speech was delivered by the end of the service. It flipped over my neutrality into a completely different kind of feeling:

 “I just wanted to say … … ever since I was born … … Daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine …… and I just wanted to say … I love him … so much … [sobs].”

     That was Paris, Michael’s 11-year-old daughter; and that did to me. This was it: my peaking point. I couldn’t take it anymore.

     Throughout the memorial, I’ve heard about Michael the artist who broke barriers for other African-American musicians; Michael the greatest performer that ever lived; Michael who broke records, Michael the caring humanitarian; Michael the generous donator and Michael who never stopped lending a hand to those in need.

     But Michael the father? Michael who had a family and three beautiful children? Michael whose loss is consuming his little daughter? Michael who in the end is a person, a human being, a soul?

     Paris Jackson had not the slightest idea that by those simple words she had the courage to deliver, she stirred something within us all- and barely left our eyes dry. When the memorial service was over, I stood up, sat in front of my computer, clicked open the browser and googled: Michael Jackson.

     Enough with the tabloids, enough with the rumors; enough with all that trash and garbage; I just wanted to know one thing and one thing only: Who was Michael Jackson? I wanted to arrive at my own personal conclusion.

     I browsed the internet and read everything about him: his childhood, the Jackson Five, the Thriller album, his marriages, the trials, up until his last few breaths on earth. During that time, I was also witnessing the upheaval created over his death. YouTube videos of him were nonstop and people seemed to be glorifying him.

     At some point, congressman Peter King appeared on TV criticizing the way America was responding to the passing of someone who was merely an entertainer. A number of people stood on his side; similarly, disapproving the reactions. In some way, I did agree with him, but I couldn’t help ponder the question: what does it mean?

     What does it mean when such a fuss was created over his death? What does it mean when people all over the world mourned his loss? What does it mean when someone who was not a fan and hardly had any opinion of the King of Pop had become obsessed, reading nearly any shred of data about him? Seriously, what does it mean? What does it say?

      Farrah Fawcett died on that very same day and barely was there any emphasis on that. Patrick Swayze passed away almost three weeks ago and the response seemed normal. Why was it different when it came to the “bad” singer?

     Whether we know it or not, Jackson’s story had taught us something. Michael always wanted to “make the world a better place” and even in his passing, he had done so.

     The King of Pop was continuously treated as a toy- especially by the media. There were constant frowns and ridicules over his plastic surgeries, his extravagant life style, his masked children and the whole notion of his Neverland ranch. He was incessantly judged and harshly criticized. Numerous endless stories were made about him- to the point where the truth can scarcely be distinguished from the fabricated.

     But what was it like for him? Living the life he lived? Performing since the age of five? Being forced to grow quickly? Having a tough father around? Being born with a sensitive delicate nature? Have we ever thought about walking in his shoes? Just trying them out for a while?

     Oh yes, covering his children’s faces with masks in public was so weird and did more harm than benefit them. But do we really know the reason he did that? Was there ever an incident that threatened the safety of his kids?

     What about his transformed appearance? Yes, definitely, it was so wrong. He should’ve just accepted the way he looked. But how does it feel when you’ve been under the spotlight from a very early age, having to go through adolescence with the glare of the public? As a celebrity, you’re almost compelled to look good.

     And what about other kids’ visits to his ranch? He should’ve stopped them, avoiding the scandals and rumors. But what if you’re someone who truly savors bringing joy to children? Do you know how it really feels when your childhood has been practically stolen from you?

     “When I was six, my mother died … I never had a mother but [Michael] never had a childhood. And when you never get to have something, you become obsessed by it. I spent my childhood searching for my mother figures. Sometimes I was successful … … But how do you recreate your childhood when you’re under the magnifying glass of the world for your entire life?”    (Madonna’s tribute speech to Jackson at the VMA.)

     It is so easy for us to sit behind screens, judging and censuring because we never felt that kind of pain. Even on a smaller scale, we’ve made it a habit to criticize others in our community only to enhance our own sense of worth. We scarcely ever tried being just a little bit understanding.

     That’s the word. There you go: understanding. We can learn from the mistakes of others, but shall never dare to criticize them. Who are we to judge? Do we really think we’re better?

     Michael Jackson was different, and everything about him was different. But there was one thing he shared with us all: he was human. Just like the rest of us, he had both the good and bad sides in him. Sadly enough, his negative traits appeared to be the things he did to himself; but hardly had he ever harmed anyone. He had the purest positive side any human being can ever possessive. People just couldn’t conceive such purity. They immediately denounced him, creating the title: “Wacko Jacko”.

     In the days I spent exploring news, videos, articles and anything that bore the name “Jackson”, I can truly say that I’ve come out of it all a different person. I’ve not only learned to be understanding, but to live better.

     Yes, to live, laugh and just have some plain simple fun. Unfortunately, not so many people know how much Jackson loved life. Goofing around and giggling was his thing. He was such a child at heart.

     It’s quite ironic how someone who died can teach you so much about life and living. Michael Jackson is gone, but the spirit he left behind will forever live. To some people, it’s the spirit of performing- the music and lyrics he left behind. To others, it’s the spirit of giving: the charities he was most dedicated to. But to me, it’s a different sort of spirit.

     It’s the spirit that once sang: “If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change”. A spirit that once uttered the words: “If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”

     That’s the kind of spirit I choose to remember him for …

     I was sitting there, waiting for my turn. Oddly, I felt quite relaxed; but the atmosphere all around me was turbulent, tumultuous. Tension seemed to be held stuck in the air, subduing all those around me.

     It was the day of the interview. Everyone seemed to be eager to experience that job- or at least the credentials attached to it. I took a look all around me, moving my eyes from one soul to another: this one looked somehow agitated; the other one came out of the room half an hour ago, yet still hung around and kept talking to others just to reassure herself that she had done well.

     While I was lost in my own observations, a slight yet uneasy feeling trickled its way up to my throat, causing deep heavy breathing and reigned all over my body. Was this right? Should I let this uneasiness take a hold of matters and lead me through the day or should I go back to my even breathing and serene body posture?

    Have I been way over my head with my too optimistic attitude, believing that things always happen for a good reason- that whether I got this job or not it was for the better? Or have I totally lost interest in my future and permitted hopelessness to guide me through, making me so indolent as to care less about how well the interview would be carried out? Evidently, I was stuck.

     But this did not arouse any soothing feelings: the quivering, the insecurity and the faint shreds of pessimism. I thought: What are the odds? At least if I screw up, I’ll do that smiling all along without messing up my whole day!

     “They asked me what I thought about Palestine’s current status!?” One of the ladies was shocked by such a political query. I tried to throw in some humor, joking that they might ask me about Barack Obama- given that I was an English major.

     One of the girls looked at me (as if hmmm-ing within) wondering if there was some peaceful air somewhere nearby that I might had drawn into my lungs which made me all calm and placid. Raising one eyebrow, she bluntly said: “You’re way too positive to undergo this. Listen, they seriously won’t go easy on you with the questions.”

     Now, I was the one hmmm-ing. I heard my name; I was next. Standing up, I grinned at the face of my own uncertainty and made my way inside.

     I often think about this: the limits to our own beliefs and principles (on life, not religious ones). Do we fully embrace what we have faith in, or do we leave some room and space for doubts and reservations? I know that instinct steers me to take the right step, but can one always follow their guts and instinct? Are there some restrictions to that? What about looking at the bright side of life? Believing in the good of this world and within each human soul? Where might all this lead to?

     I constantly have those moments when I second guess myself and pause at the midst of situations where lingering is not actually an option. But often times, I find myself letting go and trying not to put too much thought into it.

     Author Ms. Gilbert once wrote (in her response to that stimulating question: “What do you know for sure?”): “Sureness is something like a neck brace, which we clamp around our lives, hoping to somehow protect ourselves from the frightening, constant whiplash of change.”  She humorously states that destiny seems to be looking at us, mocking: “Oh, those silly humans! So desperate for their absolutes!”

     Gilbert believes that “our deepest assurances” are stripped off our souls because the world is trying to display “that ultimate moral teaching tool: humility.” Nowadays, she settles for feeling 85 percent sure about most matters; it keeps her human. In fact, she is 85 percent sure of that too!

       And so I came out of the interview that day compressing a chuckle inside. I didn’t give the most ideal answers, gave a blank face to some questions and just spoke my mind out when confronted by vague queries. After I was done, I couldn’t help but release that giggle held inside and stride along the corridor, laughing my heart out!

     To be completely honest: I cared more about finding out how McDreamy will be proposing to Meredith in the upcoming episode of Grey’s Anatomy than being certain about my uncertainties! Life is just too short, isn’t it?

“So what should I do?”

“Hmm … What if you …”

     I was in the midst of one of those conversations you usually have with a close friend. They seem to be stuck; they call you and seek advice. You give up all that wisdom and insightful words formed and shaped over various experiences you’ve gone through. They listen, but for some reason, nothing you can ever say resonates with them. They keep bouncing back your advice, declining to embrace it. You keep talking, encouraging, doing your best to simply be a good friend. Still, nothing stirs.

     In that conversation, I paused at the midst of my own words and suddenly blurted out:

“I think you alone know what to do and how to deal with your situation.”

“How is that?”

“You know the answer. You’re just either too scared to pull it out onto the surface (reluctant to trust in your own guts) or you simply haven’t sat alone and listened to your own thoughts. I’m just sure you know what to do.”

     It’s amazing how inspiration suddenly dawns at us- a blessing not all are quite fully aware of. At that very moment with my friend, I found myself uttering those words. I was merely there, listening to her, all ears.  

     This is the case with most of us humans out there. We all have that inner wisdom stored from years of tough incidents and ordeals. When we seek advice, we are unconsciously looking for someone to point out something we already know, or bring forth a certain answer obscured deep inside of us.

     That is precisely why some people are often unwilling to hear you out and adhere to your suggestions. It simply doesn’t resonate with them. It is usually said: “All answers come from within.” Some people are either too fearful to see it or their vision is still blurred by those intense emotions they’re going through.

     Often times I find myself facing up to a certain dilemma, lost in my own thoughts, trying to figure out matters. All of a sudden, someone offers their advice. Instantly, I revolt- refusing to hear them out; but I try to be polite and just accept their concerns. Then I feel guilty for not yielding to their words and being somewhat stubborn- thinking that I always have the answers for every predicament.

     The truth of the matter is: if someone has not asked for your help or assistance, don’t offer it. Just don’t; it loses its merit. Those people might just need to deal with their problems alone. They simply have to undergo that arduous phase in order to come out with their own wisdom, their own “learned lesson”.

     Someone once thanked me for changing her life, for bringing “joy” back to her world. I didn’t do that. I never did. I just roused something that was already within her. She had the susceptibility to become an optimist and by merely interacting with me, her almost deceased inner positivity was brought back to life.

     The credit is all hers; she did most of the work. Receiving that jovial energy and permitting it to alter her day-to-day life is what it took from her. She had to be committed to that. I was just there, in the background of her life, doing what I’m doing.

     Sometimes by merely being who you are and acting quite spontaneously, you present precious lessons for others to grasp and live by. No matter how old you are or what situation you find yourself in, never underestimate your influence on people. Often times, children can be so inspiring, teaching us simple matters which we’ve become so consumed with our demanding jobs and burdened responsibilities to just stop and relish. Simple matters like the beauty of unconditional love.

     Once, while I was spellbound by a TV program, my six-year-old niece looked up at me from underneath piles of toys and quietly said: “I love you aunt Deel”. I was touched. Her words moved me to the core; I realized that children incredibly teach us how to facilely express our true feelings without worrying what the other person might think. Their affections are pure, innocent and honest.

     Many times while I’m listening to a relative or a friend venting away and speaking her mind out, I find myself completely mute. I try to come out with something soothing to say, but nothing seems to be induced. So I just sit there and listen. Only after a while do I realize this relative or friend of mine merely needed someone at which to lay off what she had compressed so tightly within.

     Mostly, when you put yourself in other people’s shoes, they can sense your compassion and understanding. Instinctively, you act in alignment with what ought to be done. Sometimes it’s words; other times it’s certain gestures but sometimes it’s nothing. It’s just your ears they want- acting like their personal journal.

     If you’re reading these lines- nodding your head or smiling- and you sense something resonating from deep within, that’s your inner hidden sage moving its mouth and phrasing its wisdom. Be still and listen to it.

     There is this moment in our lives when we find ourselves stuck in the middle. There is the right path and the left one; we cannot just reside in the middle for a while. We need to make up our minds and face the consequences whatever they may be.

      It’s how Elizabeth Gilbert puts it (in Eat Pray Love): “We [are] like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- one foot is on the horse called ‘fate,’ the other on the horse called ‘free will.’” Should we permit destiny to take its course? Or do we have a say in the matter? “Which horse do [we] need to stop worrying about because it’s not under [our] control and which do [we] need to steer with concentrated effort?”

     It’s an arduous moment; it tears you apart, especially if that one decision will make an immense impact and difference to your whole world. I’ve been there before. It was tough. I just had to choose one of the two paths and stick to it.

    Most of the time, we tend to apply our logic and mindful thinking. We take a hesitant step forward fretting that our world might fall apart. Sometimes it works, but sometimes …

     The question simply is: How do we deal with such moments? Especially that we encounter them excessively. How can we judge what is right from wrong? What might work from what might devastate? Just how?

     God the Almighty is called the Merciful for so many reasons. He has blessed all human beings with a gift so natural that if we can just become aware of it and apply it throughout our years, we will undoubtedly become more and more grateful.

     When you face such a situation in your life, pause for a moment. Listen to a slight subtle feeling, a sensation deep inside of you. Silence your mind for a moment and just hear it out. This feeling either prompts you to jump forward or holds you back still. It’s what some call: our inner most “valid compass”. It guides, soothes and aids us. It’s what we call: our instinct, guts and intuition.

     In the past year, I’ve allowed such a blessing to wheel me through life. I took the jobs my instinct nodded at and turned my back to what it shouted at. Even in relationships with people: you can tell from a distance without even uttering a single word to a particular person if he/she is the type to trust.

     At times it’s not that easy. Your intuition and gut seems to give you mixed signals; or sometimes, your overwhelmed mind interferes and takes over the whole scene. When this occurs, give yourself some time and (as they say) “sit” with your decision for a while. Don’t rush it. Just wait.

     “When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.” That is what Ms. Winfrey had to say in summing up how she created what most refer to as the “Oprah Brand”. Furthermore, she adds: make one decision at a time; go with what feels right. “Trust your instinct. Intuition doesn’t lie.”

     Of course this natural gift might not guarantee the best of results. Nonetheless, it brings about what is meant to be and destined to happen. Often times, we stride with that instinct, undergo quite a tough experience only to learn a vital lesson in the end. We come out of that ordeal, different people with different outlooks. It taught us something; it opened our eyes to certain matters.

     That is why our gut told us to go for it in the first place. We needed to ascertain that lesson; we needed to grow and have a better understanding of things. Mistakes are what make us human and in themselves teach us unforgettable lessons.

    Hence, by the end of the day and in that late hour of night, only one question prevails: “What is your heart telling you?” Just answer it and smile your way through that upcoming experience!

     It’s amazing how words can simply alter many things: our attitudes, perspectives, choices in life, viewpoints … (the list goes on). I often think to myself: “Words, hmmm”.

     Have you ever encountered one of those days when you’re just going with the flow of life and all of a sudden, just out of the blue comes the most insightful words that your ears seem to grasp onto so strongly refusing to hear anything but those very words? It was one of those days for me. It truly changed the way I now look at myself, those around me and my over all approach to life every day that the sun rises.

     I was sitting in the living room, minding my own business, savoring every sip of that delicious piña colada and hopelessly watching one of those programs (How to Look Good …..)-supposedly designed to make all ladies out there feel good about themselves.

     The host of the show was dealing with an African- American woman of two kids who used to be a model in her early years. She sadly gained some baby weight that took her down in the dumps and reached a point where getting out of bed required quite some psychological effort on her part. The woman was on the screen venting away and crying: “I see other mommies getting smaller and smaller while I’m just getting bigger and bigger.”

     Carson Kressley- the host- patted her on the back, waited until she calmed down and responded with words that bore so much meaning I instantly clung to so desperately permitting them to live with me each and every day. Words …

     So here is what he said, precisely: “It’s not fair to you to compare yourself to others. They do not have your life, your situation, your financial status, your health, nothing. You’re not doing yourself a favor by comparing. They’re just not you.”

     “It’s not fair to you …”

     How many times have we bumped into an old friend (from high-school or college) and immediately began making a chart in our heads of who lost weight more? Who has gotten more beautiful? Who has …? We can’t help it, we’re just women.

     But that day, I thoroughly understood what Kressley meant. Every one of us has his/her own life, history, aptitudes, talents and our own individuality. Your friend might have the better figure, but you might have the better life circumstances. Another person might be well off but without any friends or family around while someone else is probably financially struggling but has the support and love of relatives and close ones.

     Our lives are so different; and mostly when we’re comparing, we are looking at someone’s FANTASTIC side and our GHASTLIEST one- “not fair”. This is exactly when the envious feelings arise. It’s not about that person we’re jealous of, but about that sense of inferiority we feel so deep within us, it almost kills us. Worst of all: we’ve created that feeling ourselves.

     If we can just focus on our own world, our own life, acknowledge the blessings we have, we would truly live our day-to-day life differently. By looking at what we have, we infuse more positive energy into it and push our lives to the better, forever enhancing.  When we merely compete against our past achievements and outward appearance, we will live in more peace with ourselves. Just ask yourself: “How far have I gone since last year?” from career to outer figure.

     Better still: when you live in your own realm and stop peeking into the lives of others, you’ll notice the success of others, be happy for them and only then will you learn from their accomplishments.  A positive reaction almost always brings about a positive result. The author of The Secret asserted in her book: when you celebrate the triumph of another person, you attract that it into your life.

     For when you are truly satisfied with your life, you can open yourself up to feel joy for another being and thus unconsciously ascertain lessons from them- that’s how you “attract” success into your world. No wonder our prophet (pbuh) asked that we wish for others what we desire for ourselves.

     But if you instead begin to involuntarily compare, you’ll probably start copying them (losing your sense of individuality) or become frustrated, crushed and attempt to avoid those people who simply stir your jealousy. Do you then learn from their prosperity? I doubt it.

     So let’s do ourselves a favor and stop comparing and competing with others; they are not you. You have your own distinctive life. Be grounded in your own world and exert all that power you have into your points of strength (whether in your personality or life).

     The English motivational speaker and trainer, Marcus Buckingham confirmed (in his book: Go Put Your Strengths to Work) that mulling over your weaknesses pulls you down and exhausts your soul. Instead, it’s your strength -that God distinguished you with- which if you give all your attention to will aid you in thriving and outshining!

     Can you imagine how much of a peaceful, tranquil and delightful world we would all be living in if every soul on mother earth had faith in their own life and ceased looking at others with envy, malice and hatred?

     I was just reading Oprah’s monthly column in her mesmerizing O Magazine. Her article is always entitled: “What I Know for Sure”. Every month Oprah shares one of her Aha! Moments- the ones we never seem to get enough of.

     Whenever I receive any issue of her magazine, I instantly flip over to the last page where her insightful most inspirational column lies. I read it with utter amusement and absorb every word within it. The oddest thing is: I never asked myself that question before. What do I know for sure? Ms. Winfrey has interviewed many people from around the globe and asked them this very question. I think I assumed it was only a query to be answered by those influential figures.

     I’m an ordinary woman, making my way through life, learning, discovering, having fun, communicating with others; but I think I know one thing or another about life. (Doesn’t this blog say anything?) And I believe every one of us has their own philosophies on life that ought to be respected by others.

     So here is what I know for sure:

     Being alive is one of life’s most precious blessings. I’m grateful for the air I breathe, for my health and the senses that allow me to feel my way through the day. I’m most thankful for the people I meet, and the lessons I learn from them. More importantly, I’m gratified for family. Every time I’m in the midst of them, I smile- even though they sometimes give me a hard time but a soul just needs other souls to survive!

     I’ve learned to accept reality instead of running away from it and avoiding it. It is what it is; and once the bigger picture unfolds, you realize that everything happened the way it should have.

     “What you resist persists” and “What you fight, you strengthen.” That has been my mantra for quite some time. It’s all about permitting life to be. I also know for sure that getting attached to matters and events that happened in your past doesn’t really help you to live this day to your fullest potential. Detach, set your spirit free and remember (as the author of The Power of Now puts it): past events exist in the mind only. They don’t control you unless you allow them to.

     I’m not a person who has struggled a lot in life. On the contrary, I think I’ve been born with that silver spoon. But one thing I definitely know for sure is that whether you have a Paris Hilton life or a Chris Gardner’s early striving phase of life, at some point, we suddenly feel so sorry for ourselves. We sense that there is something missing and that as long as this gap isn’t filled, then happiness cannot flow into our lives.

     We all have those moments, and it’s only when we meet someone who endured more anguish that we actually pause and reconsider. The fact is: every one of us is living the life we’re meant to live. If we can just see the beauty in our lives (even the slightest), we’ll be able to direct our efforts towards it, pour our hearts out and probably become a Bill Gates one day.

     What I know for sure is that we should cease feeling sorry for ourselves (for every person has had their share of drama) and fill every moment, every second and every fraction of a second in our lives with hope, joy, warmth and serenity.

     Now, I’m asking you: What do you know for sure? Post a comment and tell me.